This question is one I've never been asked before, so this might be a lengthy post, and I truly hope you stick around and read the full answer to that.
I've stated I am about to turn 54 in November. The sixteenth to be exact. The very first news story about HIV/AIDS, as it is called now was May 18th, 1981, while the first clinical AIDS case reported was June 5th, 1981. I was a mere 15 years old. In small town Ohio, population 2,000. What did I know, or for that matter, what did any of us know?
I've never had sex with a woman ever, never kissed one sexually either. I was 18 almost 19 the first time I ever had sex with a man, that was 1985. I knew I was going to bottom, even then I knew it was what I wanted. What I needed. We met at a gay bar. I was a cocktail waiter, he was a stripper. He was also 36. He was gorgeous, I was a naive kid in living for the first time in a big city. He bred me that first time, and every night and most mornings after that for three years. In time we became lovers with an open relationship, that included a former boyfriend of his, a gay bar owner. We became a throuple. They both bred me daily and sometimes more. We used to have small home orgies with friends every weekend. No more than 3 or 4 bottoms, myself included, and about 15 to 20 tops. Needless to say I got bred a lot.
There was no conversation about HIV/AIDS, or as it was called then GRID--- Gay Related Immune Deficiency. It seems we knew so little, took so few precautions and just simply fucked. It was about a good time. Booze, pills, pot, poppers and my pussy flooded. By mid 1986 the bar owner had died and a few friends from the community but life went on. By 1988 my lover died a mere 90 pounds and blind from kaposi sarcoma. His death trigged a cocaine addiction I battled till I was 26.
Moving from one big city to another, didn't stop me. Between the drinking and the cocaine I was at the baths, pussy up 3-4 times a week 10 hour stays each time, no top denied. Many times being to high to remember what or who I did.
I say all of this because now looking back at, even in those earliest days it was unspoken, unacknowledged, unaware fucking. Was I bug chasing, some could say yes, others could say no. I'm not sure. It was never a conversation that happened. Ever. It was the baths we were there to fuck, end of story. By July 16th, 1991 however I was diagnosed HIV positive and a year later it was Full Blown AIDS with six months to live.
However I met the huge love of my life, dried out, got on the right meds and lived through it 29 years later. But those first seven weeks of my life with my husband we went to 47 funerals of gay men with HIV/AIDS. It was fucking hell. And by 2002, when my husband of 10 years died of HIV Complications, I stopped counting the number of dead, at 600 lives.
So, who am I to judge anyone on anything. HIV/AIDS is completely different now, thank god. Lots of meds, normal life spans, life long chronic disease even. There's even prep. But did I make a conscience decision to get it, I honestly don't know. Some think once they get it, noting to worry about. That might not be the case as nobody, anywhere is studying the long term effects of this disease or the drugs. So there will be entire generations behind me living longer than I ever will with it that or left to their own defenses. Talk about fucked up.
True there is one less disease to worry about once your poz, but then it is t-cell counts and viral loads. People still die, even here in the USA of HIV/AIDS every day for various reasons. People are still contracting, and to a degree I can understand it, to another I can't. However, with that said, I can't imagine my life without it. It has literally made me into the man I am today. Kind, compassionate, caring, understanding, empathetic, loving, supportive, a shoulder to cry on and I don't know if I could be all of those things or not without this disease impacting my life, and my own body.
I'm not here to judge anyone, I cant, as they say, "Throw the first stone", as many more stones would come my own way. There are risks, there are complications, and even challenges. Would I do it all over again? I'm not sure about that either. I can't undo what was done. I can only move forward.
My big thing here though, I really want to stress is, if you are undetectable it also means you are UNTRANSMITTABLE! Meaning HIV/AIDS is not given or taken by you whether you top or bottom. Of course strains of HIV/AIDS also carry what medications you can be or not be on, but that bridge can be crossed. There are long time survivors like myself who can share experiences, advice, friendship and yes some of us, not all of us, only "play" with other poz guys. It's called serosorting. Is it right, who knows?
There are times I wish I didn't have AIDS, but I have beat the odds. I've lived. It has been filled with joy and pain, but so is life as a whole. If you're newly diagnosed I'm here for you. If you're a fellow longtime survivor I'm here for you. If your unsure I'm here for you too. It can be scary. It can be daunting. But I'm not about to tell anybody to do, or not do anything. It's between you, and your conscience, or your god, if you believe in one, in the first place.
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