Interview: @goodgurl4man

First I want to apologize fir not posting this great interview with @goodgurl4man ... also known as Nicky... sooner, but 8 days in hospital (end of August thru the first part of September) sets one behind schedule, but I adore their account and the content so I thought insight into Nicky would benefit readers and I hope it does. I also felt their content reflect my ideology and the way I tweet. All of the images in this post is from their Twitter feed. It is my hope you all enjoy this as much as I did. Their Twitter account describes the feed as:

I’m a boiwife, sissy, bottomgurl. I’m very submissive and obedient to my alphas (still need some training).

PB: Let's start simply. Do you have a Daddy/husband/lover or are you single gurl serving Alpha's at large?

Nicky: I am a single girl unfortunately. I am looking for a Daddy/someone to call me their girlfriend but it’s a bit hard. The dating scene isn’t super “diverse” for where I live and people online I feel only want me for kink purposes or for my nudes. This is understandable though seeing as I post porn. But I’m just saying, ironically, I haven’t found much luck finding a good “Daddy” on Twitter either. However, I do consider I’m serving alphas at large by producing the content I do. I’ve gotten quite a few gays/bottoms/gurls telling me I helped them find their way and realize who they truly are and what they want out of a relationship/kink dynamic and I think that’s super cool and I’m honored to be that person for many. Is that response appropriate length or should it be shorter/longer

PB: No that response is great. I love when others tell me too that what I tweet or blog have helped and some really go into detail on how I've done that. It felt like 2 years ago, and three Twitter accounts account like I was in a very small group of people tweeting the way I was, but I felt it was so important because there can be SO much negativity that can be geared at what for some can be construed as too much effeminate behavior. I think that's their problem and not mine. It's there own underlying insecurity about themselves and not about you at all. I had a great husband/Daddy, didn't fully realize for whatever reason fully everything I had and to the degree I had until he died last year and that has been very painful to say the least. IT was also when all of my views of myself became crystal clear; that's been a bit easier. AS I said in a very recent post on the blog not all bottoms are pussyboys, not all pussyboys adopt feminine language for the rest of their sexual parts, and not all pussyboys see themselves as gurls either. I know I'm way more than just a bottom. There's this whole submissive girly side to myself that I'm really beginning to love. Having been called a boi-wife, seen as his gurl and for me I wish it had come much earlier than it had. I'm wondering when did all of the pieces fall into place for you?

Nicky: Well it’s unfortunate that your husband passed away. It can be very rare for bottoms to find that special Daddy they need in their lives and then for them to lose him really sucks. It all started for me maybe at like 15 when I would lurk on tumblr and I came across chastity. I was already intrigued by bdsm and the general dynamic of a dom and sub relationship. I remember coming across a cartoon photo of a twink raising his shirt to find a chastity cage and a man with a huge bulge smirking. I thought that was so hot. That same account also had a guy in lingerie and I thought that was super appealing as well. I was bullied a lot when I was younger so I guess my brain kinda developed a kink for wanting to be humiliated and I guess that can be seen in the chastity kink. I also have been discouraged from feminine things as a child so for a man to encourage that in me when I men have been the ones bullying me for it feels like ecstasy. Having daddy issues also help reinforce my need for a Daddy. I like being coddled but still in a humiliating (condescending) way like the way I portray in my posts. I guess it’s a mix of what I’m used to (being bullied) and what I want (to be protected and cared for). I don’t know if any of that really made sense but that’s what’s in my head. If want me to clarify further or connect some more dots let me know.

PB: I'm not much for shame, guilt or humiliation but I get why others are as we're all so vastly different. For me so much has happened the last 2 1/2 years.

Nicky: Yeah I suppose for me it’s being underneath a man and being his. I guess humiliation can be a way that that can be done.

PB: I think for me it's that loving, caring, supportive aspect that draws me to a man. That you're closest to him, more honest in many ways. That old fairytale idea of getting to the point of finishing each other sentences. But I know that's not for everybody either. I just think there's so much shame to being viewed as to effeminate. The whole: "no fats, no fems, no Asians, no this, not that...blah.. blah.. blah" thing that really irks me to no end. As you said when a man notices it in us though it is ecstasy. Have you gotten to the point though where you're comfortable on your own-- that is your mind. Are you ok now being viewed differently and if so what got you there?

Nicky: Well I totally agree with the fairytale theory. I definitely do dream of a perfect relationship where I’m my man’s girlfriend and we cuddle all the time and want to everything together. I cook for him give him massages and he takes me out and protects me. Of course that’s the dream. And yeah people being very picky in the sense of saying no fems and no fats no this no that is super annoying. I don’t think I understand what you mean on your own can you elaborate so I can better answer.

PB: I guess what I was asking is are coping ok being single, as so many say you can't really begin to love anyone else until you love yourself. I'm not sure about that though...

Nicky: I know that’s a sentiment that gets passed along and I definitely understand that. If you find yourself and who you are in another person you could be subject to codependency and you’ll feel lost without that person. But the reality of the situation is girls like me need that validation. We need to feel it from someone else and feeling it from a man is the best thing in the world. I do feel lonely being single but I still have my wits about me not to get with just anyone. But I really do hope I find a man to embrace me for who I am and encourage me to be the way I am. Hopefully see me as his girl and love every moment of it. So of course I am coping with it but I do feel like I should be under a man and his guidance and be his “boiwife” in a sense. I guess it can also stem from the daddy issues like I said. Because I never received that male validation when I was younger, I seek it now.

PB: I strongly believe that girls like us absolutely need that validation from the man we are with and I completely back up your thoughts when we lose it. As you may know I lost my Husband/Daddy of 18 wonderful years last July and the anguish I've been in since then has been unsurmountable. I've become a drunk because of the lose. It's the only way I've coped and it frightens me because I know my Daddy would put me over his knee, bare butt up and spank me something terrible for doing that. But after all those years, I don't know who I am alone and I'm seeing how deeply he understood me in ways I thought he had not. He was telling me in his words and his ways and not necessarily in the way I wanted them said or done and I missed a lot of it until he passed away. That pain has only added to my loss and it is something we never talk about in a Dom/sub Daddy/boi or gurl relationship. Unfortunately at some time we all face it as nobody lives forever but I wish we could talk about it more. I wish my husband and i talked about it more as well, say all of the things we left unspoken even to the degree of how our relationship and marriage was. The night for me are still the very worst and the loneliness, I can't even form the words to describe that and as a writer that is terrifying.

Nicky: Yeah that is such a horrible thing to go through. And that’s what I mean by codependency. Because even though it is great to get validation from men it is very important to have a sense of self outside of them for the instance that things don’t work out or other circumstances that take them out of our lives. And hat unhealthy attachment can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms as you’ve witnesses yourself. So while I know that a man’s validation love and acceptance can feel like ecstasy and it’s something I hope I get to experience someday, I know that just like any other drug, the withdrawal can be hard.

PB: I didn't and still don't see it as a bad thing. It was a lot of things learning after-- how much I really meant to him, that he did see me the way I wanted to, moving from our home because it was in a survivorship, finding which which has been extremely hard, friends who turn out to be jerks, not having feedback on decision making it's been so much. I think, for us, we depended on each other so much like a lot couples these days. Makes you wonder, or at least me, how much of this is this "1950's submissive housewife" mentality.

Nicky: Yeah well that’s really good that it was positive for you. And yeah it all is very reminiscent of a 50s housewife kinda lifestyle. I know it can get controversial because that era is heavily criticized for its misogyny but it really does fit in the mold of what girls like us want. We want to be seen as girl, at least by our man, and we want to serve him as such. We want to be the girl in the relationship. Clean for him; this can be very therapeutic for us. Cook for him; I’m such a feeder I love seeing a man eat my cooking. Massage him; I love giving guys massages and they often tell me how good it feels. And there’s lots more but yes we do romanticize that type of lifestyle because it seems to really be the backbone of the dynamic we seek.

PB: Can we talk a lil bit about the differences we may both see between: bottoms, pussybo's, good gurls & submissive's & the cross over some of them may have. It's something I don't think a lot of talk about.

Nicky: Well I think pussyboys and good girls aren’t necessarily distinctly different I believe. I think the specific differences are found from boiwives/gurls, bottoms, and submissive. The most simple one is a bottom. That is just someone who happens to be in he bottom position. It’s someone who likes to be on he receiving end of sex. A submissive is someone who likes to be on the receiving end of a dominant dynamic with someone. Someone who likes to obey or be made to obey. People who are submissive don’t have to be bottoms but you would find that hey are often bottoms. Boiwives or good gurls are submissive bottoms but the hint that makes them different is that they view their position in the dynamic as that of a girl. So someone with a Pussy or calling the penis a clit. The submissive nature can be found in obviously their sex life, but also their normal life. So if hey go out hey might hold hands and embrace each other in a way that makes it obvious to everyone around hem who the “girl” in the relationship is. It’s obeying him even outside of “kink”. Those are he main differences in my opinion.

PB: When or how, or maybe it involves both did you figure out you were a good girl?

Nicky: I’d probably say it was when I was on tumblr. Like I said I realized that those feminine boys who were protected by their men but still served them was something I wanted. I envied the way straight men cared for the girlfriends. I wanted the type of relationship that you’d see with masculine men and feminine women. But I didn’t envy the position of the man. I envied the position of the woman. Being treated like a girlfriend. Being princess carried and coddled the way you see in the movies was something I really wanted for myself.

PB: I completely understand that idea. I think it's something we all want as "effeminate men". I embrace that part fully now; I think I did way earlier but I may not have understood it as I do now. At 56 I have so much insight into my life now. This phase with tumblr, how old were you if I can ask?

Nicky: Haha I was pretty young I think I hot have been 15.

PB: See I wish I had that opportunity to view a whole bigger gay world at the age; but 1982 didn't have those options then 7 especially in the middle of no where country-ville Ohio.... think smaller than Mayberry <lol>.

Nicky: Right I’m sure. The internet does allow more access for these things so that people can find who they are and how to express these things.

PB: Did having male/male sex that first time help make things clearer than they were before sex? And if so, how so?

Nicky: Well I don’t think I could really say lol cuz I’m still a virgin.

PB: That’s interesting. But than again so much of what we’ve talked about is so much more than just sex and it seems like a lot of times a lot of people miss that.

Nicky: Yeah it really is deeper than just sex and it could be seen as something super sexual which it understandably is but it’s more than that.

PB: Could you expand on that a lil, as I think readers would be really interested in knowing what you mean by that, myself included.

Nicky: Yeah well I just think that being a boiwife is more than a sex thing, it encompasses the dynamic you have up with your man, it’s the feeling of protectiveness from the man and servitude from the gurl that makes the boiwife thing so appealing. Like you just assumed I had a sex before when I haven’t and it’s an assumption made by quite a few on here but it’s because I don’t need to have sex to know that this is what I want, it’s just something I know.

PB: You're right in calling me out about my assumption, but your vision seems so clear & concise to me that for me it made sense you had had sex, my mistake. For you to realize so much I think is a feat many who even have sex don't get and that says a lot about you; and yes you are right in that does encompass a whole dynamic. Heck, even I've written about that here, and that is way more beyond sex. What I find interesting is that when you do have sex with a man, the type you want I think you're point of view will only solidify hopefully what becomes a beautiful relationship as it may not take as much "training" as they say of you as his submissive if that makes any sense.

Nicky: Yes I totally understand that. I do imagine my views will only be more solidified and cemented. It will be a very beautiful experience for me to have and give myself to a man and let him inside me and for him to allow me to be his girl in that moment. It’s an experience I’m looking forward to.

PB: When & why did you start tweeting the way you do? And what keeps you motivated to continue?

Nicky: I’m not sure when I did but I did it because I’m a pretty good writer and I thought it would be cool for me to do. It’s cool to look at a photo and put your own kinky spin on it with a nicely written caption. Bringing photos to life with words is such a cool craft and I love doing that. It can be a drag to try and keep up with posting and I wish I could post more frequently but I’d probably say the feedback is what keeps me going. It can sometimes feel like you’re putting in a lot of work and putting it out into a void but when people like and comment it can feel like I’m actually doing something that’s being heard by people. My sisters and and alphas that interact are really what keep this account going.

PB: The feedback for me too has been incredible both from my fellow "sisters" and Daddies. Like you I wish there was more time to fully round out my twitter experience, but there's only so many hours n the day... you know. So final question, What's the one or two big pieces of advice you could give.

Nicky: My biggest piece of advice would probably be to do what’s right for you. I can post what I want and guide my sisters all day long but the fact of the matter is there is no rule book or blueprint that has to be followed. Some girls might not like being called “girls” but still want to be a boiwife. Some sisters are actually trans and their identity has nothing to do with kink or a man. Some people might never want to touch their clit and lock up in chastity, some might want their clit to be touched a lot during sex. There’s so many combinations and so many ways it can work for there to just be one way of thinking. Do what’s right for you and find someone who will encourage what’s right for you. Kink is supposed to be fun and enjoyable. Finding yourself and your identity should be an opening experience not one that shuts you down or makes you feel bad. So find what works for you and enjoy the ride.

Interview: Scoty... or @FFmehrd on Twitter

So I came across Scoty's Twitter a lil while back, and if I remember right it was a brief clip from a porn clip I was intrigued to say the least and instantly thought of doing an interview for the blog. What follows here is that conversation about being Nullo and I truly hope you enjoy learning as much as I did. You can find Scoty's Only Fans here at justfor.fans/ffmehrd or with Treasure Island Media.

PB: I'll start simply by asking do you just want to use your Twitter handle as your name, but today I ran across what looked like professional porn, and if it was do you want to use your stage name? 

 Scoty: Scoty is fine.

PB: When did you first realize that you were wanting to be nullo, or did it start some other way? Could/would you describe that journey?

Scoty: Even as early as 8-9 years old. I realized something was off about my body. Somehow having male genitalia was wrong and a mistake. The feeling stuck with me all my life.

PB: Not to be intrusive here, but was there possibly thoughts about being the wrong gender or just something  didn't belong? I don't want to say one one thing goes hand in hand with the other; but I'm naive about Nullo feelings versus trans feelings and I certainly don't want to offend.

Scoty: Oh no, I knew I was a boy. Nothing made me think I was meant to be female.

PB: See I was thinking that, but wasn't sure. It was like coming out as non-binary a few months back, and everybody was like well duh, hello you are. But for me it was a big deal, as I was always the sissy boy growing up, knowing my "asshole" was going to be my main sex organ. It wasn't until a little over two years ago I even had heard the word pussyboy and I was like, yup, that's me and all the research into the term and third gender studies Hirschfeld did so long ago. I knew I leaned effeminate but I certainly wasn't meant to be female either.

Scoty: I would tuck even as a child, and when I looked at myself in a mirror I knew not having anything was what I was meant to look like. Of course at the time I didn't know what any of it meant or that it even had a name. I can completely relate to that.

PB: See I did the tucking thing too growing up as well, and not being turned off by the thought of that , now looking back at it at least for now, at least for me, it is what led to chastity cages. I sure there is a range of feelings, responses, attitudes as some who is Nullo. Is there such a thing as nullo pussyboys? Or is that two very separate things?

Scoty: Yeah I hated caging. Seeing the balls still dangling and exposed... gave me such anxiety and stress. Every time I attempted to cage it, it just made things more evident that I wasn't meant to have any of it. Oh I'm def sure that there are Nullo pussyboys... why wouldn't there be?

PB: I wasn't so sure. I mean there is all this talk about our "clitty" being limp, useless, not needed and that our pussies are our only sex organ. I just didn't want to blur two separate things. Like when people assume all bottoms are pussyboys, and they are not. I didn't want to do the same thing with a group I know so little about. As some gay men find the whole "pussyboy phenomenon" a huge turn off, and that we as such play into this whole other turn off for them, which is "effeminacy". Well my attitude has always been you can't be a top without a bottom... hello.. or a bottom  without a top. So I'm sure there is commentary about Nullo's that's horrifying to say the least.

Scoty: Well, yes true. Not all Nullos are pussyboys.

There hasn't been many guys that have vocalized their dislike about my journey to becoming Nullo. But the few that expressed their opinions have been quite surprising. One guy for instance, a total top, every time we played he wanted me blind folded and my junk covered, he wanted to focus on my hole. When I told him, we discussed it and he was completely turned off; and I told him he would never see me again. Totally his loss.

PB: It is totally his loss. I 'm curious if part of what you did was this idea that your hole is your true sex organ, or if becoming Nullo was more about your genitals not belonging on you... or if it was a mix of both?

Scoty: Well at such a young age... and the feeling never changed as I got older that the genitals never belonged. It never felt right. Of course for years I've thought and referred to my hole as a sex organ.

PB: I've thought of my hole as a sex organ too, and when I finally realized there was a word "pussyboi" it all clicked for me. But I'm wondering is that feeling intensified after being Nullo, because then it only about your hole or am I wrong in presuming that?

Scoty: It's all I got now... haha.. so yeah it naturally intensifies.

PB:  A bit of a technical question if I may?

Scoty: Sure.

PB: Ejaculations after this are they a no, or do they take on a different form like full body orgasms?

Scoty: I'm one of the lucky ones, where I've been able to have full body orgasms, or assgasms. Ejaculations and orgasms are differently different now. Men that have dicks, have an explosive climax, an explosive release... I do not, when I cum and I can cum now pretty much constantly while I'm stimulated, it's like a faucet that's been turned on. The look and texture of my cum is also completely different, imagine only pre-cumming.

PB: That has to be hot I would think. I've been able to cum a few times completely hands free and it was vastly different I thought. My assgasms, or as I tend to call them... pussygasms... are incredible and those I live for because they are way more intense, last longer and are oddly hugely more satisfying and you can have multiple ones. But I'm one of the "rare"... or maybe it's not all that rare... ones to only cum without something up my ass.

Scoty: I completely agree.

PB: Question about the surgery, if I may. Was it painful? What was recovery like and do you have to undergo therapy like when having a sex change.. which I think is ludicrous.

Scoty: Well, for surgery I got a nerve block, and of course anesthesia during the six hour long surgeries. The plus though was, I had a beautiful full face from all the ozygen I got... hehe.  The only pain I had from surgery was once the nerve block wore off. That was a painful hour while waiting for pain meds to kick in. I chose to stay on round the clock pain meds... why hurt and suffer when you don't have to. Recovery at home, I really had issues with the Foley catheter... quiet uncomfortable experience for the two weeks I had it. And it was only an issue because of the location of my urethra. I basically sit on my urethra.

Therapy no, though my medical team were all very supportive... extremely supportive... first Nullo, the hospital was a buzz of chatter. No laser hair removal needed for Nullos. So that was a plus. Sorry to finish your question concerning pain and surgery. There was never any pain from the surgery itself. The mind and body have an amazing ability to rework itself. Perhaps it was a life time of hating my genitalia and a combination of pain meds immediately after surgery but it was truly hard to remember the feeling of having it. It's like my mind forgot what it was suppose to feel like.

PB: No you're fine. I like that you went into so much detail about it. I'm sure readers will have more of an understanding like I am getting. So does having this surgery put you and others in the "trans community umbrella" much like non-binary folks or no?

Scoty: Yes. As a Nullo, non-binary individual I do fall under the trans umbrella. But, more focus is put on me being non-binary.. all medical facilities and charting, label me as non-binary along with my chosen pronouns.

PB: That has to be so cool, as I came out as non-binary maybe two months ago and everyone was like, "duh, PB, we all know your the passive partner, and hello, you're a semi-retired professional drag queen, so HELLO!"

Scoty: I love that. I also want to say I loved reading the interview you did with Lucas Daken.

PB: Thank you so much for that. That interview came about because she was the first to list she/he and gender-fluid and still do gay porn. I was fascinated by it at the time, as I myself was struggling with this idea was I myself non-binary/third gender person like the research I was doing at the time. Lucas was a HUGE part of accepting myself as non-binary with a tendency toward effeminacy as I call my sexual parts by feminine names like so many pussyboi's do. This idea of identifying more as a girl than as a boi too, but without surgery or hormones; but I was fully fascinated by what you did because it was something I never heard of, but something that that really left you non-binary much like Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld was writing about before and during World War II.

Scoty: I'm truly happy that you have discovered yourself... wear it like a badge... own it, continue to love yourself for who you are. It's an amazing feeling accepting oneself for who and what they are. Too many of us are ashamed, afraid, and some of that is unpreventable due to family or living situation, etc. And discovering oneself may take a lifetime to do, I know for myself that was/is the case. Surgery was definitely a huge transition in affirming who I am. Who knows what's next... I'm just emerging from my silken cocoon.

PB: That's exactly what it felt like, the coming out of my cocoon and blending/or blurring exactly what is gender for me was what "pushed me over the edge" if you will. That we don't have to present a certain way, or in certain clothes or even our mannerisms. But I feel there is so much education that needs to be done on so many levels for acceptance and I am almost sure that is the case for you you too because I'm pretty sure mass public think, "Oh you CHOSE to do this" when in reality you had to be yourself, and in many ways your doing that just by being your authentic self.

Scoty: Yes I agree 1000% with you on that.

PB: Is there something you would like to say because I haven't thought to ask it?

Scoty: Oh I don’t know, my heart is heavy today, someone dear to me has passed. I guess i would say life is to short, and to live a life of regret or fear would be a shame and a dishonor to oneself. We should all look inside ourselves and see the beauty thats within us. Show the world that beauty, that light. JUST BE YOU.

PB: I am so very, very sorry someone so close has passed.

Scoty: Thank you

PB: What advice would you give others if they are considering doing what you've had done?

Scoty: Well if the person has the means to have the surgery, of course do it ! Free yourself of it. Everyone deserves to be happy with their body. I get asked a lot about my opinion on going to a cutter, and my response is always DON’T DO IT! It has been the best decision I ever made. My only regret was not being able to do it sooner.

Lukas Daken Interview

I was so thrilled that Lukas Daken agreed to the interview that follows. I approached her because she identifies as genderfluid and I  myself was struggling with my pronouns and my initial private conversation with her was about that. But out of that grew this and I couldn't be more excited to share it with all of you. Lukas is the very first genderfuid gay porn stars I'm aware of, there may be others but I'm not aware of them.

PB Breckinridge: So when did you first figure out you were a bit more then just the “average run of the mill bottom”, meaning that you saw yourself a bit differently? 

 Lukas Daken: I suppose forever, but I didn’t understand it at all. I grew up very sheltered from any LGBTQIA+ influences, so I had really no role models at all. I guess in my 20’s I discovered far more and realized I was a total bottom. Towards the end of my 20’s I started to accept that I wasn’t just a regular bottom, that this went deeper than that. Looking back on it I guess I always felt that way but didn’t understand the feelings at all. 

PB: I grew up very sheltered as well, and being 55 years old there were not a lot of role models of people that were around and especially in the media. I knew before my very first sexual experiences, at 18 years old, that I was going to bottom, and when it happened it’s all I’ve ever done sexually. Was there a “trigger point” or something that happened that led to your understanding and realization of yourself? 

 LD: I don’t think there was one specific thing, I never enjoyed when I had to top. One day I just realized that I don’t have to. I had a lot of shame surrounding my sexuality. Sometimes I still do. There are good days and bad days—days where I wish I were just “normal”, whatever normal is. If you add non-conforming gender into the mix… well, it was a minefield. I don’t remember the first time I started using the word pussy for my hole. But it was along time ago. I would shyly, almost jokingly, say it to tops, to see their reaction. It was really unusual back then I think and so few guys were into it. Some were genuinely disgusted; which is bizarre, but also added to the shame I felt. Slowly though I started being more open about it. I knew I wanted to pursue this line and not live my life unfulfilled sexually. 

PB: There have been a few times in my blog where I have written that the very first time I heard the word “pussy” in regards to a “man” was back in March 2020 in a @BigCMen and @DevinFrancoXXX Just For Fans video I stumbled on, on Pornhub. Cory made a comment about Devin’s pussy and the rest, as they say is history. But I’ve had cute nicknames in the three long-term relationships I have had including: kitten, baby girl, and even Mrs. But, like you that first time saying to a top, “fuck my pussy” I was terrified. Also like you I have had my share of mixed responses to my saying that. I’m assuming this was little before the start of your porn career. 

LD: That was indeed. 

PB: If I may what led to you doing porn? 

LD: Boredom mostly! I wanted to try it. I probably craved some validation also, but really I just thought it would be exciting! 

PB: I certainly would have given the chance back in my day too. Do you think there is real market I in gay porn for content…that is already being made for Just For Fans/Only Fans or other non-industry venues…where the term “pussy: or the like is used. Alessio Vega is one that comes to mind, but even he within the industry stuff he has done shies away from using the term like his non-industry stuff. If so do you think there is a reason behind it? 

LD: I don’t know. I think potentially there is a market. But in the end porn studios are businesses and it might not be the best business model if it doesn’t a to appeal to a super wide audience. In the gay community there can be backlash or distaste for certain feminine things. We still with masc4masc syndrome to a certain extent I think, even though it’s changing slowly. 

PB: I do think it is very slowly changing, and there are people leading the way. I’ve noticed it more in the last two years, and maybe just “need woke” to see this is a thing with real potential if a “nobody” like me can go from 2,000 followers to over 20,000 in two years time before my first suspension. I think there is a real market for it. My followers are really into it and I’m beyond grateful for it. You mentioned in your previous answer that in your private life about being more open saying in the heat of the moment about being pussy. Do you find more guys are into it now? What is your reasoning why? 

LD: I think more guys are into it now. There’s less shame involved. People are dressing more fem. Social media has led the way slightly. People are making it “cooler”- we are no longer hiding in the shadows pretending we are all masculine. I still present pretty masculine because of decades of pretending, but I’m o longer afraid to BE feminine. It took some people with big followings to lead the way. People are less afraid of enjoying it; and why not? Femininity is amazing, who ever it’s presented in. Femininity is beautiful, strong, powerful—the opposite side of the same coin as masculinity. It SHOULD be celebrated just as much. You have/had 20,000 followers or elsewhere? 

PB: I’ve to agree with you here on this, as it’s why I started tweeting the way I did two years ago, as I saw so little and then there was this whole “shame” side I completely disagreed with, as well as “being less than” side that I am completely against. We are just very different, and in my opinion, and we do it in such a great way. At one point I did have 20,000 followers on Twitter, but Twitter (the company) decided to suspend me with no real reasoning behind it. It’s why my tweets as so misspelled. I think for me is that I don’t see myself as a MAN, male maybe. There are certain things I will NEVER tweet; and shaming or degrading bottoms is one of them. Without us, there is no real for tops, but without tops there is no real use for us either. 

LD: Absolutely. They (Twitter) suspended you for what? 

PB: Oh lord, some convoluted “misgendering” charge; which the vaguely implied as I allegedly called bottoms “her, she and girls”, calling, it pussy, cunt…blah, blah, blah. 

LD: Fucking hell. It makes me worried for my account, TBH. 

 PB: I think it’s just Twitter’s excuse for cracking down on gay content creators, as a whole, to be honest with you and especially those accounts that are SO m/m sex positive, which we both are! That’s what led to this interview, in all honesty, because you were/are the very first in your field using pronouns in your bio that identifies you as she/her; and now because of a previous and private conversation between you and I. 

 LD: I get paranoid about my account being removed TBH. It’s tricky. 

 PB: Do you think seeing yourself as “pussy” versus being seen a feminine/girly as two separate things, or as two similar things? I ask as there is this whole “kink notion” to both of these ideas. It’s not however that idea fully either. For example: “I’m wanting to be trans… which is a whole different topic IMO for somebody other than me. But I do identify in a big way being seen and identifying as a pussyboy, if that makes any sense and I’m sure it does to you. I still get paranoid about being suspended and it’s why I deeply wish more people would follow my blog. 

 LD: Yes of course. Well I think it’s different, yes. I don’t think we are experiencing gender dysphoria , although I can’t speak for everyone. We are just experiencing a different gender experience to other males. 

 PB: That’s it exactly! 

 LD: But it’s unique to everyone. I can’t speak for others as everyone’s experience is different. It’s important to remember that I think. 

 

PB: I know for me it isn’t dysphoria. I think all we can do is speak from our own experiences, in an honest way and if we are lucky other’s will learn and grow from it. 

 LD: Absolutely. Giving an honest open voice to our experience can open the way for others to be comfortable with their own (experience). I hope. 

 PB: I feel it is. It’s why I do what I do with the tweets and my blog. Did your embracing your feminine side come after you embracing this idea of having a pussy? 

 LD: Yes, I think so. The pussy came first, so to speak. 

 PB: Could you expand that a little; because not every bottom is pussy IMO. 

 LD: No, you’re right. I started to feel that my hole was a pussy. I felt it every time I got fucked. I stopped wanting to cum. It was then that I realized my role was more female than male. 

 PB: I wish I had known that there were others like me and that the language was there, the thinking was there for me for decades. The not wanting to cum, about n=being passive and submissive. For me, years ago, it wasn’t even about the other person who was topping me; it was just the fact that they wanted to have sex with me, and move unto the next person they were fucking. It’s been since March 2020 that the thinking and understanding of what you’re talking about. Once the term pussyboy became part of my vocabulary, everything else clicked and it’s evolved so quickly. I’ve known my role is more feminine for nearly 40 years of having m/m sex, but NOW it’s understanding why that is.

 LD: Did I help at all? 

 PB: You have helped tremendously, and I think my readers are going to enjoy and appreciate the insight. As we both know and when I first approached you, before this interview, because your Twitter bio had listed your pronouns as she/her. You’re the first person who has done what you did. Was that because of everything we’ve talked about…that led you to do that? And do you think your decision to do so had any effect on your work? 

LD: Yeah it was. I think that my porn has gone in a slightly different direction now. I’m somewhere between mainstream and niche.

PB: That’s a good thing, isn’t it?

LD: Sure! I mean it’s a tricky line to balance on, but I’m enjoying it. 

 PB: I’ve only seen very brief video clips you post on your Twitter. So I’m curious, do you say “fuck my pussy” or other pussy talk in your porn? Is that the niche? The other thing I’m noticing in gay porn is chastity-devices, more independent y, but at least it’s there. Is this what you’re talking about, or maybe both? 

 LD: Both yes. Lingerie, chastity and pussy talk. (But) I’m not super verbal in sex, but yes being open about pussy. 

 PB: WOOF!!!!!! All of those things are of course on my list of huge turn-ons. 

 LD: That’s what I’m focusing on now, at least in my own porn. 

 PB: So, Only Fans/Just For Fans or somewhere else? As there was that attempted “porn purge” awhile back on Just For Fans, I believe it was. 

 LD: Only Fans, there was. Yes. But, yes on my fan sites and Pornhub. PB: On Pornhub, just type in your name or do you have your own page on there? I haven’t been there that much since the company

dumped so many videos. LD: I have my own page, yes; but you’ll also see studio work. 

 PB: Great. Do you think studios are becoming more receptive to the type of you and others are doing in regards to pussyboys? 

 LD: That’s a great question. I really don’t know. The pandemic meant I couldn’t for studios for over two years, and it’s in this time that I’ve gone my own direction! I’d be very interested to find if there any studios who are my kind of style tough. 

 PB: It would be interesting because most of the “pussy video”, lets call them, are independent. But the HUGE thing I’ve noticed here recently… in most mainstream gay porn is that the bottoms are not getting erect at all. They’re not touching themselves, and it’s as if there is a nod to this whole “pussy idea”, or at least a submissive side that it’s all about the tops pleasure. On that note, do you think “kink” or what could be called “BDSM” play have any bearing on your thinking bout yourself, or is it two separate things? I’m curious as I’ve not seen anyone really ask this question before. 

 LD: I have the idea to do my own studio actually. So don’t give anyone (studios) the idea. 

PB: I think you having your own studio and creating the type of content you ar doing could be HUGE! 

LD: I hope so. I’m starting with just me, but then expanding. 

PB: I think it’s a great idea.

LD: Thank you. I feel like I can reach an audience of people who will love it.

PB: Girls like us would come in droves!!!! There is I feel a HUGE untapped market. It’s why I’m wanting to include the theme of “being Daddy’s good girl” in the sequel to the book I helped co-author, “Size Kings”, but don’t tell anybody ! 

LD: Nice. How successful was your book? 

PB: I’m not sure as I’m having an issue getting the royalties, as I had to get a new bankcard awhile back. But the only other books are that similar to mine are about a fem Dom boi in “The Orchid and the Lion” by @GHargraveWrites 

 LD: Ah, ok cool. Cool that you wrote that one. 

 PB: I hope it did/does well. 

 LD: Fingers crossed. 

PB: “Size Kings”, I co-wrote with @P_Boi93. It’s about a pussyboi named Luke whose from Texas attending college out of state so he can be himself. However, the first book I ever read about a pussyboy was “Domingo’s Putita” by @Shadows1JM ; which is incredible! Can we cross pussies for good luck that “Size Kings” does well? . I would really it too as it my love letter to people like us. What are your feelings about hierarchy playing into this idea of pussyboys and submissive bottoms? Even if this whole idea is left unspoken by portions of “gay society”. 

 LD: I think that we should be careful to suggest that being feminine somehow means being submissive. I don’t consider my self a submissive just because I play the female role. Not all women are submissive, either, are they? Cock doesn’t equal bigger and better. 

 PB: I wasn’t suggesting that being feminine or a woman was submissive. There are many powerful women, some much more than some men. I do think though there are people who confuse the two, or blur the two; or even fetishize the two. That’s why I was asking the question. It’s also why I don’t tweet or write in the blog that as feminine bottoms that we are less than, or weak, or pathetic, or worthless, or trash or anything that is degrading in anyway. That will NEVER be my thing, as I think that for those of us that takes TRUE power in claiming who we are--- whatever that maybe, and I think that for those of us that take on a more feminine thinking as “males” I think it takes tremendous courage and hutzpah, because society at large treats us and sees us the way they do. 

 LD: Absolutely. Bottom shaming should be a thing of the past. It takes a lot of courage to accept ourselves. PB: Exactly, and that was one reason I starting tweeting the way I did two years ago; to celebrate and empower those of us who do bottom. You can’t have one without the other. LD: Absolutely. And often the work we put in is much greater.

PB: That’s true. A good hard deep rutting is not for the faint of heart . It’s why I tweet every now and then that good bois/gurls do their daily pussy training with their favorite dildo. 

 LD: Ha ha, exactly. Work those muscles

Interview with: @abayoujock of Twitter

I want to explain a little what led to this interview, if I may. @ABayou is on Twitter and as I follower I LOVE his content big time, and the biggest reason I do is he, like myself, is in his fifties does chastity and is a bottom. @ABayou is more fit than I am at this moment, as I have a small tummy, but he is what I aspire to be. He breaks the "glass ceiling" that we as the LGBATQIA+ community have with aging, ageism and the celebratory nature we have with youth and the Peter Pan syndrome. Besides, he is in my opinion scorching hot. The interview was done back in June and unfortunately things here for me took a turn as my husband of 18 years health took a dramatic turn for the worse even though we had been in hospice since October 2020. It was round the clock care all of July 2021 until he died July 29th. Grief and life after that lose somehow passed and this interview sat on the back burner.

For that I am deeply sorry to @ABayou and my readers here, as well as to my Twitter followers. I know this blog has suffered since July of 2021 but I'm slowly getting back to a mindset to work on this more so, as I feel it is SO important to have these conversations.

PB: I was wondering if you would be interested in doing an interview for my blog?

ABayou: I'm a 53 yr old exhibitionist. Comment or retweet, but I’m partnered, and I’m not looking for sex, meeting anyone, hookups, trading pics, etc. Namaste. 

To see @ABayou in action click here

https://twitter.com/abayoujock/status/1446265844393254917

PB: The blog is written by me a pussyboy and like you I'm in my 50's. I turn 55 in November. Part of what I'd like to talk about in the interview if you say yes is agesim, how bois can be any age, what led you to do what you do on Twitter and why? I was wondering if you would consider a DM interview for my blog. The focus of which is being on chastity and being an older pussyboy. 

ABayou: I’m intrigued, but I’m doubtful I could contribute much. I’m kinda not absolutely sure why I do this or what necessarily led me to do it. In my everyday life I’m quiet, reserved and introspective. I’m partnered, and my partner doesn’t really know I do this or at least to this extent. That’s bad I know. Anyway, what to you think? 

It could be an interesting talk, you might not know why you do chastity, I'm on the verge of doing it myself; but you certainly bring to the conversation of why you serve, how that may or may not vary with the situation your in if your even comfortable talking about it. I was just drawn to you, honestly, because I REALLY like what I saw and that you were doing what you did with such a positive spin on it, especially when this conversation is so youth driven. 

I get it. I’m not sure how this would work. I don’t always know when I can respond to messages.

PB: I love your pictures so very much.

ABayou: Thank you.

PB: Anytime. So we could do the interview whenever you are online. I just one over a couple of days at their convenience. My first question is what drew you to chastity?

ABayou: I've always been aroused by humiliation fantasies, and for me being caged in a small cock cage is humiliating. Also I tend to edge a lot which I believe was excessive, and now I'm unable to do that. At least I can't stroke my hard dick all the time.

PB: So instead of excessive masturbation do you find that o are using your "pussy" more, or do you even use that term. I know some that do and others who do not.

ABayou: I don't use that (term), but I am trying to focus more there.

PB: So as far as terms go, do you then just use the standard "Hole" instead? DO you find that wearing chastity "helps" you focus more there?

ABayou: I think I prefer "hole", and yes it does I think.

PB:  Has the excessive masturbation been replaced by "excessive" dildo use or are you still working up to that <giggle>? Inquiring  minds you know.

Abayou: I'm working up to that I would say. I've certainly have done more than at other times in the past.

PB: Do you have a n end goal you want to reach when it comes to dildo use, or is that something you've even thought about?

ABayou: I want my hole stretched so that I feel more comfortable with a dick going in. Haha. I'm too tight right now. Maybe a fist. Haha.

PB: I've noticed in some of your pictures you do wear a plug. Do you think it helps? And iis it fair size? Once again inquiring minds want to know these things. But I can relate to wanting to be stretched out. I bought awhile back the Fort Troff Ass Grommet set. I've worn the meduim sized one over night as I've slept with it in a few times.

ABayou: The plugs I've been wearing aren't large in my opinion, and so far I've only wore then as long as four hours or so. I do think it helps.

PB: Are you wanting to increase the size of them?

ABayou: Not particularly. I don't want to insanely large. My partners dick isn't that big that I would need to.

PB: I didn't want. to imply insanely large, but bigger. I guess it comes from this place from seeing original content makers (Twitter & porn sites) who grow or stretch their holes bigger.

ABayou: But he may want to try fisting so there is that.

PB: Are you open to fisting? No pun intended.

ABayou: I think so, but like. I said it will take work to get there. Haha.

PB: I ask this as this year I've seriously taken steps to try to be fisted (as the bottom), although I've fisted as the "top" for decades. The work though to taking a fist is half the fun though.

ABayou: I imagine so.

PB: Do you find that. a lot of gay porn comes across as ageist, and if so how do we fix that? 

Abayou: I honestly don't watch porn, and I never have. I thought there was all kinds of porn. Daddies and all.

PB: Do you feel the same way when it comes to views on bottoms (which can be so negative at times)? That there may be just a point where it is or doesn't happen anymore.

ABayou: I think so. In theory we should be getting more enlightened, I would hope. Being a bottom shouldn't be considered less than a top. There all kinds of tops and bottoms out there.

PB: That's very true; last year during the height of isolation for me was very eye opening. The term pussyboy, having/producing boypussy orgasms, and producing this "pussy liquid/froth with dildo use. It was a huge turning point for me, but I wish I had known about this years before.

ABayou: Good deal.

PB:Do you think that most gay men only think of pussyboys as younger guys, then guys like us (who happen. to be older) and if so how do we change that?

ABayou: Just keep putting ourselves out there. I don't know if pussyboys are only thought of as young. It's not like as you get older you become more of a top or something. Haha. Or less of a pussyboy bottom bitch.

PB: I find the older I get the more of a pussyboy bottom bitch I become. I believe you said at one point in a tweet that your hubby doesn't know "everything your doing/or involved in." Can you explain better, if your comfortable doing so, why this is?

ABayou: I just don't know how to communicate this (to him). He doesn't know I tweet all of this. I'm not sure how he would react.

PB: Wow! Is it fear he won't understand?

ABayou: Yes. He does have an inkling of it.

PB: You read my mind.

ABayou: I feel like it is such a of me. I guess compulsive though too.

PB: Are you a bit surprised so many love your content so much?

ABayou: Yes, for sure! I'm happy people get enjoyment from it. I'm sorry I really can't do some things because of personal situation.

PB: I do understand that, and your privacy. The struggle is very real, and it's where I am too with someone who would NEVER get any of it.

        NOTE: This interview was done in June when my husband of eighteen years was still alive. Sadly he died July 29, 2021. I now know he understood a lot more then I thought he did. A lot more actually, and that may or may not end up as a seperate blog post at some point.

ABayou: I worry he'll find out about it, and be embarrassed about it. Like his friends seeing me doing that stuff.

PB: That could be very rough, and especially if it's used against you. So how do you handle or cope with these feelings?

ABayou: I try not to think abut it,  haha. That's helpful, right? I used to suffer from social phobia. It occurred in my late teens and through my twenties. I would never leave my bedroom, and I suffered from depression too, as a result. I slowly pulled myself out of that hole, and I think my internet exhibitionism was part of that.

PB: I bet it was. That's how I was during COVID-19 isolation/lockdown for four months, of never leaving my bedroom let alone the house. Mentally I was in a very horrible place as well.

ABayou: I think that experience in my past prepared me for the pandemic lockdown. I didn't mind it, of course I had my partner here.

PB: I did too, but lockdown compounded our differences and our fights.

        NOTE: Looking back at that time now (that being October 2021) the majority of our fights were over stupid stuff, like a lot of couples fight about. Ours was compounded as I noticed my hubby's health even then getting slowly worse. It was very hard to watch, let alone deal with and I think that added to the stress and made things the way they were.

ABayou: Oh. Not good. Sorry.

PB: Thank you. Does your hubby know about the lace panties?

ABayou: I don't know to be honest.

PB: If he does know is he the type not to say anything?

ABayou: Right.

PB: Mine doesn't know I have lace panties, and he would probably hate it. Mine are assless though <lol>. He'd also HATE that I call my hole a pussy too, to be honest with you.

ABayou: Haha, I get it.

I want to take the time and that @ABayou for his time and for letting ME pick the photos from his feed to use for this interview. I also want to apologize to him for the delay in getting this posted, but I'm hopeful he'll understand. I hope you all gained something from this as well.