What happens when you are no longer with your Daddy/Husband?
I've really wanted to do this post for awhile now, but fear has stood in my way. I guess fear of being to vulnerable. To honest. To open and I think deep down feeling too needy. But not anymore. I wanted to have an honest conversation with all of you, my faithful readers about my first-hand experience the last two years after losing my husband of 18 years on July 29th, 2021. Daddy Jim and I were together eighteen years. The last two of it in hospice in our home. It wasn't easy, but now those last two years are the ones that mean the most to me.
Prior to that, eight years before (for a total of 10 years) we didn't have sex as his prostate had been shaved as it had grown enlarged and needed to be treated. It also made his erections impossible and once that happened he lost interest physically as well as sexually. It also meant he lost interest romantically too, again not ideal but we made it work. Not ideal, but it was what it was. We also grew to the point where we shared different bedrooms as:
1. I was sleeping better alone.
2. It gave me time to use my dildo's. Again maybe being too honest here but it's the truth. Without his sexual interest & being in a monogamous relationship I had to have some kind of outlet.
You may be asking yourself why did I even stay. Simple, I loved him and I still do even though he's been gone two years. We had too much time together to throw it all away, and all we had was each other as neither of us had family that talked to us; and I still don't. I learned all too brutally that after my mother dying before I lost my husband that she was the "glue" that made my immediate family polite... with her death the true feelings of hatred came out. Besides there were other ways in which I could serve, some of which I mention in my interview here: https://thatsmrfaggot2you.blogspot.com/2021/08/my-interview-with-hierarchypcast.html
Cooking, cleaning, shopping, housework, entertaining our friends, and loving him the best way I knew how including keeping him at home like he wanted as he got worse physically. He was 79 years old when he died. I was just 55; and no matter how much you think you're prepared for someone who's very ill to die you never are. It was both an incredible loss and a relief to see his suffering stop I went from being a suburban Stepford boi-wife to widow over night. Years of turning to someone for advice to not having that at all. That's been one of the harder things these last two years. I never made big decisions without his advice or input and losing that was an impossible thing to move beyond even though I was forced to make gigantic decisions all alone. Decisions I had never made before. Doing things like get my first apartment on my own in my own name and doing it 55 years old. It was an impossible hurdle filled with so many doubts about so many things... including did I even do the right thing. The struggling was believing in myself and still is, I was just dependent on having his advice and input for everything. In some ways that dependency was way too much because a lot of the time I felt frozen in fear and doubt. Doubt still sucks the very life out of me...not that there is much of a life without him. Work, eat sleep and repeat.
The other is that in 18 years time I've grown "older", dating has changed so much I don't recognize the scene anymore. It seems strangers in gay bars don't talk like we used to. We certainly don't dance like we used too either... at least here in Cleveland anyway. Gone from being needed by somebody to not feeling needed by anyone. It seems like everyone is on there phone texting someone or doing lord knows what.
The nights I do go out, which is rarely, I'm barely ever approached and somebody is talking to me first. That alone has me questioning everything about myself. Including my own appeal as I wrote about for the first time maybe three weeks ago. Am I even desirable in the first place? Can I find another long-term committed relationship with another loving man?
The "dating apps" or "hookup sites" 90% of the time at least for me don't lead anywhere and most of the times even the atmosphere of the baths in my opinion have changed. Guys even there are on their phones trying to lure someone outside of the baths to come to the baths to have sex when years ago you had sex with who was there. But then again I'm not in my early twenties like I was when was going a lot. I rarely go now and 90%... again nothing happens. It seems at times nobody at the baths has sex any more which I find baffling. Maybe it's just a Cleveland thing or that the facility here is so big 98% of the time... no matter how many people are there... it seems empty.
There are so many things that I write about here and in my stories that just don't seem important anymore: like pussy training. Dildo play is nice, don't get me wrong here but it does grow old quickly... or at least has for me. It also seems like why even bother doing pussy training at all... because it seems nobody wants it to begin with... or maybe it's just my perception. Now granted when people I work with said... "there is some truth to perception" and that comment was not related to anything I'm saying here in anyway but hearing that statement still didn't help my outlook on things. Because if that statement is true, then there is some truth to my perceptions... or could it be I'm throwing off that vibe?
Granted somethings I just can't let go of: like shower shot-ing out. I don't feel like myself if I'm not doing it at least every other day and I guess it's because I've done it for so long I don't feel "normal" if I don't. I feel irritable, bloated and just like "bleeck"if I don't. Somethings I would like to explore, like chastity, but what's the point if I have to hold the keys myself and only answer to myself. It doesn't seem worth the trouble now.
It's the "being of service" to men I miss most. I feel like I'm of no service to anyone including the people I work for or the customers we encounter everyday with what I do in my working life. It's the feeling not attractive.. not only physically but sexually as well. It's the feeling of not accomplishing anything worth while. It's the feeling of not being bred I miss most. The satisfaction that comes from knowing that by being bred you were/are "a good piece of pussy". And when it's gone you feel a sense of loss of not being good at anything. For me it's like I've lost my sense of purpose.
It seems very cruel to me to know fully that I thrive being of service, of being pussy for a man, that my pussy is my only sex organ then not be able to be pussy for men is beyond daunting. Or has it reached that point where it is all just ending anyway; and because of my age? Is 57 just to old to draw, attract anyone for anything or is it just the dynamic that has changed and I'm always in the wrong place at the wrong time
I'm not really complaining here, it's just honest opinion, honest questions and sheer curiosity. The whole thing has me very depressed and very unfulfilled, and I feel like I can't be the only one going through this. If you are going through this as you're reading this, please leave a comment about how it's affecting you and what you do to currently combat it.
Currently, I'm not combating it....
“I have watched you grow up since you were eight years old. Playing "house"with my little bro as "his wife" in our sisters apron. Having sleepovers where I heard him fuck you for the very first time. Goofing around while we all skinny dipped on those weekend camping trips just "us guys" and again heard him fucking you. Checking me out every single chance you got. You are old enough now, it’s time for you to become MY dick sucking cum whore you were born to be.”
"What about your brother? I'm in love with him."
"He was just helping me get you ready for ME! Don't believe me. Ak him yourself."
Just then Henry walked out of the bathroom fully clothed. "Sorry, Abe. It's true. It's George that's in love with you. Not me. George knew he couldn't do anything till today, your eighteenth birthday, but he wanted you fully trained before then to take on the role of his lover."
Crying all I could ask was, "Why?"
"He offered to pay my way through college. He. really does love you. Way more than you could ever realize."
"This true, George?"
"It is. Deeply." He pulled out a Tiffany's blue box. I really began to cry then. "Abe, darling don't cry. Just do Daddy two small favors."
"What are they George?"
"Say yes and present your pussy to Daddy."
I spun around on the carpet, bent over, raised my ass high in the air, spread my legs wide and flashed George the pussy he deserved.