Now to begin with I must say I turn 57 years old this November. So not young in the least but not yet a fossil. (And yes that's my pussy to the left) But I was in a bar tonight with the theme "Gym Jock Night" and stood around in a jockstrap the entire night-- about 4 hours and I was NOT hit one ONCE! I felt foolish, silly, very old, and completely unattractive surrounded by all these buff guys with great bodies, bubble butts, and the typical gay fair you see in gay bars these days. Versus the guy next door, who is a bit too effeminate for his own good, and let's be honest an old queen, and 200 lbs.--which in gay terms might as well be 2,000 lbs.
The thing is, even in my prime of my 20's-30's I didn't feel attractive. Now it's even worse or at least feels worse. The confidence I struggle so much to have (and I do big time)... immediately flew out the window. Oh sure, I mingled and talked to a few people-- nothing too deep mind you but it led nowhere.
At the moment I write this I feel VERY un-fuck-able! If that is even a term. (Maybe I'm the one citing it) It's like now that I'm finally fully comfortable in my own skin & my gender let alone the kink side of me----nobody wants me. NO-FUCKING-ANYBODY. Am I at 57 just that repulsive, unattractive, and unwanted? If I am don't tell me! I don't want to know. Or is it I'm coming across without even saying a single word at all... as too needy? Too easy? Too whorish? What the actual fuck is the fucking issue??
(Also me on the left here, ass up, pussy spread open--- my favorite thing to do <lol>)
Is that so fucking much to ask? Looking at those gorgeous guys including the three professional strippers that were hired tonight... my pussy is sopping wet and nobody is wanting to fuck it. It's beyond pathetic! Spoke to a few people & they were kind but honestly, I wish they had been fresh & forward. And maybe I should have stayed longer.
It's not like I'm gross or anything. I'm just kind of average for my age bracket. SIGH!!!! And the goddamn part of it is that there is NO fucking way around the issue of my age! It is what it is, and right now I'm too drunk and frustrated to change my mindset. Just being honest. I'm also the type that in my life has never, ever gone to the gym like so many.
Like I can't be a big ole cum whore anymore. I know our community is a bit "ageist" and I guess I didn't feel it... for lack of better words.... until last night.
Maybe I'm too much in my head tonight, and more than likely too drunk (even if it was only three drinks, I swear) it just all can't come crashing down to nothing now. I've never felt more sexually alive than now, knowing more of what makes me tick, if you will. The desire to go ass up all the time has never been stronger, more demanding even. Maybe I need it for the first time in my life to go to the gym? Start doing squats? Not feel 'needy'. Not feel these feelings, and I'm only posting this because I know I can't be alone in feeling this way. Maybe make others feel this way not feel so alone.
I'd very seriously like to hear from you if you've felt this way & how you coped & maybe somehow it could become a post here at a later date.
Society has made only so much progress. In mainstream western/American culture it was seen as "controversial" or subversive to say you liked your girl to have a big ass even 30 years ago. Celebration of a thick bodied idea of beauty is still slow going up to today. There's a non-zero chance that you were in that room with someone who wanted you but wasn't prepared to admit to their attraction.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking for myself, as a man who's a fair bit heavier than 200lbs I can say that self confidence (and its absence) tend to project out of us whether we want them to or not. Being Large but not jacked felt like a liability when I was in my 20s, even though I knew intellectually that everybody is somebody else's dream (or fetish); I still spent much any night out, in my own head. I know, looking back, how That insecurity sandbagged me, because when I go to bars with my fiance now: the twinks I used to lust after find ways to proposition me even with my girl sitting on my lap, despite the fact that I felt I was hotter then.
So if you go to the gym, I'd caution you to go seeking a sense of control over your own body and a celebration of what it can do. If you simply do it as a chore, intended to reify a rejection of your body that insecurity and the shitty experiences that come with it, will likely persist.
I wish you good luck and I respect you for sharing.