The terminology of gay bottoms confuses me. What exactly am I as a bottom? (Edited)

     

I was asked this question today, again on Twitter, this time about the language, or terms, or even the dichotomy of terms we use to describe men who bottom sexually: meaning they get fucked-- point blank. I believe there are difference in terms, slight as they may be-- or as vast they maybe depending one's personally journey into that term, thinking and understanding. What is so uniquely wonderful, in my opinion is is each of our journeys is so vastly different. That there is no right way, or wrong way; just OUR way and that is perfectly fine as no one knows you better than you, just saying, henny!

Will start super simple, and work our way up. I also know, that I might not be able to cover every term out there, but I'll do they ones I think that are common.

Bottom- a man who gets fucked in the ass by other men. Period. Can be gay, can be bisexual, can be on the down low, can be straight, can be curious-- as long as he is a man getting fucked, he's a bottom. At least occasionally especially if he is versatile, which is a whole other post into itself.

Picky Bottom- just that. Very picky about who, why, when, where, how they get fucked. Standards at times can be way too high and if this happens NO tops meet the requirements they have. Most have very strict rules about getting fucked and they ARE to be followed... or else no boi pussy for you.

Whore, Slut, Tramp- any bottom who is easy to fuck. Maybe too easy too, or at least regarded that way. The words here are interchangeable for me. It can also mean that he sleeps around a lot, with a lot of men. May have little to no standards of who, when, where, how or even why... just bend over and take it.

The issue here is societal shaming even within our own gay community about being any one of these things, let alone a bottom. There is a whole post on bottom shaming on this blog--- if you'd like to read more on the topic. But, when it comes to shaming. Oh HELL NO! Not today Satan! Not today! Who are you to tell me what is or is not too much sex? Seriously, the sex police. I think not. Our sexual needs are our own. If I choose to sleep 1,095 men a year, or three a day that's my own damn business and not yours! If you're judging me, you're probably some frigid bitch not getting DICK!

Power bottom-  is a term that gets thrown around a lot by people in our community, yet few truly understand what this phrase really means. Well, I’m here to give you the definition so that you have the lingo right. If you are a true power bottom, you are gay man who has a huge appetite for being penetrated by another guy (or guys). You can last for extended periods of time without having to take breaks.

Power bottoms tend to last longer in the sack when the top is confident during intense jack-hammering (read between the lines). Power bottoms are ready to take it day or night and commonly like to skip a lot of foreplay and get right down to the business of being fucked.

Let’s first dispense with some of the common myths that are often associated with being a power bottom. While I can’t list them all, here are some of the biggies.

Power bottoms are:

Effeminate: A lot of people seem to think that guys who power bottom are “queens” or “big girls”. That’s totally false. I would argue that guys who mostly or exclusively bottom are perhaps some of the most masculine guys on the planet. This myth can be traced to harmful stereotypes about gay men – pure and simple. However, if you are like me I am effeminate and I have no shame in being so. You'll hear me say during sex, "fuck my pussy". If your effeminate embrace it and celebrate it there is nothing wrong in being a " big girl".

Selfish: I’ve had friends say that power bottoms are big time selfish whores. This one is BS too. That’s because being a power bottom isn’t so much about the activity but instead, about the mindset. Just because we like to bend over doesn’t mean we can’t or won’t top. It does mean that we prefer to ride a guy and doing so for long periods of time. This one is also can be a positive attribute in my opinion, as I am selfish: meaning I want all the tops for myself, and there's nothing there either.

Pain: Perhaps the worst stereotype associated with this bit of lingo relates to physical pain. For some stupid reason, a lot of gay tops have it in their mind that power bottoms don’t feel pain. I’m here to tell you that’s total B.S. because we do. It DOES hurt if you just jam it in or suddenly yank it out. Nothing pisses me off more than a top thinking he can do whatever he wants to me because the guy thinks I’m impervious to pain, you know? And I hate to break it to you, but not all of us are hooked on crystal meth, causing us to get “tina dick”. I don’t know if that myth came from videos or an urban legend but it’s crap.

Submissive: Continuing on with the stereotypes, power bottoms can be submissive but that doesn’t mean they are totally submissive. Sure, I suppose if you hypnotize one of us, we could turn into some freakish zombie bottom but in the real world, that’s not been my experience. Some of us are very "take charge" kind of guys as we know how we like to get fucked, and we'll do anything to get it that way, even if we do have to take charge.

Slutty: Finally, not all guys who are power bottoms are slutty. I hate when gay men think this but apparently, many do. Remember, it’s not about the number of guys we can take but instead, our ability to be ready and last for the long term. If you are a slut like me, embrace it, celebrate it and let no one shame you in being one. Be the biggest slut you can be,

To be this type of bottom, it means you have personal POWER. Here, I am talking about a high degree of self-esteem and self-worth. Not the other way around.

Power Bottom Truths

As mentioned earlier, a gay man who identifies as a power bottom has adopted a mindset. This way of thinking takes years to develop and has nothing to do with the top’s size or girth.

Instead, it’s about the tops ability to jump into action at a moment’s notice, allowing someone like me to be equally ready.

This means we’ve educated ourselves about digestive health, allowing us to do our thing without worry.

What really pisses me off is running into guys on hookup apps like Grindr and Scruff who claim they are power bottoms when they simply aren’t.

Just because you rode a guy for 20 minutes doesn’t entitle you to claim the label. And so what if you can sit on a giant toy! That doesn’t mean you are one either!

So gay men everywhere, please, for the love of all that is good, please stop calling yourself a power bottom when you aren’t.

This is a very special title and should be reserved for gay men who have put in years of effort while educating themselves on how to be masters of their craft. 

Similar in some regards to a bottom, but a specific variety of bottom... like the rest of bottom terms. A power bottom tends to be the one in charge, and feels most powerful when the are getting fucked. He enjoys maintaining control over penetration. The bottom is on the throne, so to speak, "taking the Top". Leaves no question about who fucked whom. The result with many disappointing "stellar tops" who may not know how to rim or like to rim, or won't rim, couldn't find your prostrate with eleven fingers, and high resolution maps of my pussy; and either cum or pass out from exhaustion after three to five minutes of fucking. Power bottoms are in my opinion: supposedly have skilled tongues, creative, honest supremely confident and themselves as a bottom, and hands on individual leadership abilities. 

Cum Dump- Related terms are cum dumpster, cum whore, cum guzzler, cum bucket. Can be a very affectionate term of endearment by the right guy. Within the gay community often used to describe a very constantly horny, bottom gay guy who is used by men for his body and nothing else. He is just the vessel in which men deposit their semen when they are getting fucked they LIVE for the cream pie ie: being bred, getting pregnant, white washing the walls all terms for taking his cum in your pussy. 

This term can be used frequently within the bareback (unsafe rectal sex) community as it requires condom-less sex. The term went out of fashion for a period of time during the height of the AIDS epidemic, but with the advancement of PREP, medications to prevent HIV/AIDS, the term has come back bigger than ever. Cum dumps can be found easily at orgies, bath houses or gay sex clubs, hook up apps and infrequently at gay bars. I WILL not advocate for or against doing this in real life, that is your decision. Your an adult. And I'm not your Daddy, your lover, or your husband.

Faggot- from what little of the term, as I understand it... and I could be wrong... is someone who has absolutely no limits when it comes to sex. Degrading.... yes. Humiliating... yes. Lick a "scuzzy" looking toilet bowl yes. Pissed on... yes. You get the idea. The more you do to this guy the more he loves it, thrives in it and enjoys it. A combination of all the other terms thrown in for this guy, plus terms I may have forgotten. Years ago during the Queer Nation Movement the term also gave us power in ways we never had it before. Hence the name of this blog. I'm gay. I have sex with men... actually a lot of it. With any man wanting to fuck me. I'm the one getting it up the ass; but by god I enjoy it and want it. No apologies. In your face... fuck your attitude.

Pussyboy- Finally, my favorite term of all time! You know this if you follow me on Twitter at all. I Tweet about being pussy all the time. 

Go read my other posts about being a pussyboy before reading this one, as I think it will make more sense that way, because I've grown into my acceptance so much since those posts.

I've written about it extensively on here what I want to do with this post is state what I learned. I met a guy very close to where I live.. not saying where, or who, or how we met--- but I arrived at his door and he was stark naked, gorgeous. HUGE cock!

I got naked and for the next three HOURS it was nonstop ass play. He fucked me stupid with his eight inch, raw cock. He used big toys on me. But the most action my pussy got was his HANDS! They were magic. I felt things I've never felt before. My headspace was, "He's using me like the pussy I want to be. He fully gets me without my saying a single word." He nearly worked his fist in me... about two inches more and the widest part of his hand WOULD have been in my cunt. 

You read that right, cunt. He cunted me! He changed how I view myself forever. He cemented in my head that.... me the person... is absolutely nothing, if I can't be pussy for MEN than I am nothing! That I'm nothing but pussy, and the rest of me... is the life support that makes it possible for me to be pussy. He could have used me ALL damn day, and I still would have wanted more. And, that in all honesty is what I felt that day when it ended. That I wanted more. That I will do EVERY THING in my power to play with him again. I have too in my thinking, because I think each time I do my thinking will evolve and, my head space about being pussy will go deeper. Who knows what I'll think when I finally take his fist, but I'm sure it will be intense!

The nicest part of this whole experience as much as he was the BEST TOP I've ever had, he also cemented in my head I love being the "Daddy" playing in his boy's pussy as well; for as much as he gave... he also took. Now, I'm not saying he's pussy, because he never said anything remotely connected to being a pussyboy. I worked his ass just as good as he did mine.  But the idea of being a Daddy who loves playing in pussy as much or even more so having mine played with.... and I love it a lot... I enjoy playing in another's  pussy just as much. It doesn't make any less pussy myself.

The absolute HOTTEST thing we did, was both of us using a double headed dildo at the same time, both of us on our backs. It was so INSANELY hot! First time ever for me doing it, and I would do again with out a doubt!

I didn't say "pussy" as much as I wanted too in my dialogue with him as I wasn't completely sure if he was into my saying it or not... but my mind was screaming it at the top of my lungs a million times over... that's how I knew I had been fully, unapologetically cunted and my pussy and my mind knew it!

With all of this said about terms, and ideas I think we can should be a mix of our unique design. We can be all of these things... in more ways than one especially when we need to be that "term". It's just a label, and WE are just males who happen to get fucked my men.

Superiority?

 So, I posted this on Twitter awhile back, something I found on the Internet that I felt fit what I Tweet about, which is being pussyboy, which in my mind--- at least-- is a step differnt than just sub. That, at least for me, I see myself more than just a sub. Maybe, a bit deeper into the mindset-- if you will, but the same ideas just off kilter a bit. I't hard to explain as I'm still trying to process what I truly want to say about MY being pussy, which has changed my first post here on the topic.

Anyway, I got a reply back:

I don't mean to be disrespectful. But I've spent my entire life with that inferiority issue, due largely in part to being overweight and "average." I refuse to be humiliated and shamed just because I don't look like a mainstream porn star. Yet likely perform better than some. I guess this is why I make a lousy sub. I love servicing men, and I take great joy in doing it. I am known for putting the needs/desires of others first. But I am not inferior. As a matter of fact, a skilled "inferior" can have a great deal of control over the "superior" one.

Ok, this is just MY TAKE on this issue. Superiority in my thinking is he has achieved something I never will... MACHISMO! A strong masculine pride. I'm far from masculine. I've been accused of, in the past, of being far too sissified for my own good. Uh, yup. Bingo, you win a prize; and you know something I'm damn proud of it too. I'm gay! I love sex with men! I take it up the ass as much as I can get it. I rarely ever top; I can actually count the times. I view my "hole" as pussy. I call it that, and I enjoy... believe it or not... being emasculated because I've never fully seen myself as a man. I certainly don't see myself as a woman either, I'm unique. Third gender if you will, as Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld wrote and spoke about in the 1890's to 1930's. A male, with a feminine soul.

I wasn't meant to top other men. I knew this very early on, like at fifteen or so; But I knew very early on I was different. The word gay came into my life at thirteen when the bullying started, but it also made everything click. Oh that is what this is. I'm also the type that makes a great housewife. Actually the military came in with one of those tests of what you can do based on a myriad of things and I was told I could be a housewife, or a secretary if I APPLIED myself to do that <lol>. I'm also the type to blur gender lines; like wearing high heeled shoes wearing a man's suit or wear makeup as a man. But I've always been like that. It doesn't make me less just different. Different is good for if we were all the same life would be boring as fuck!

But, societal norms say that does NOT qualify as "manly" before. My response is fuck that! Why do I have to fit YOUR norms? I don't. Not now. Not ever. I'm happy being male, happy being a sissy, happy being a #girlboy, happy being seen as effeminate. I'm truly me and aren't we all suppose to be that way? Our own true selves.

Now on to another issue.... I'm 54 fucking years old! In gay life that's like 350 years old. I've always been average. Always. And as I age, it's still true. But what percentile of our population fit that stereotype? I think it few and far between, with average guys making up the bulk; but we are forced feed this societal norm of male beauty, masculinity, youth, ruggedness and other bullshit that we for MANY reasons buy into it. In all of my years of having sex with men, the vast majority are just average... like me. I've had a few real "head turners" in my day but they are very few; and the older I get the less it happens. Old in gay life seems to represent undesirable but yet last year when I did research into aging and being gay 60% of our LGBTQIA+ population is OVER 50 years old! Where is that representation? Where is that gay porn? Where are those models and images--- you get the idea. No where because aging for society is undesirable as well. Honey we all, for the most part do it. As my Gram used to say it beats the alternative!

I'm going to be brutally honest here. I've suffered from body dysmorphia my entire life when it comes to my weight, and no matter what I weigh it is 3000% worse than reality! From being anorexic at 105 pounds--- I stand 5ft. 10 in. by the way--- to obese at 280 pounds. So I get the issue big time. In the last year and a half I went from 280 to 180. I look amazing! I feel better too. But I worked my butt off. But, if I get back up there I know now I'm comfortable with my self image--- finally--- no matter what I weigh. Health is a different issue for me, anyways but that's another post <lol>.

I think, at least for some of us, that are subs we might long to be the things we are not; but true happiness comes in knowing who you are, what you are and what you want. Accepting it, embracing it, and finally celebrating it!

I think our journey's in life are uniquely our own. Our struggles, trials, triumphs, tragedy's, successes, failures or whatever are also uniquely our own as we individually handle these issues differently. The paths we choose are different. The results are different. It's all different. But, I also think we can all learn from each other if we just listen.

Superiority and inferiority is a societal pressure. Somebody, always has to be better at something, or so it seems. But I'm not one that advocates shaming, belittling, bullying others EVER! Differences just make us different nothing more.

My advice for a 1st time gay bathhouse/sexclub visit

 

I was asked on Twitter recently about my advice to someone going to a gay bath house or sex club for the first time...

Let me tell you do I know this topic, and KNOW this topic well! I first visited a bath house in the summer of 1985, in Fort Lauderdale I was not quite 18 years old. I was terrified out of mind, for I knew nothing about them, but never having been to one I wasn't exactly sure what to expect or do. By 19, however, I was "seasoned".

First, in my thinking, there is a small pre-step for some of us that go to the baths. My first advice is to you bottom boys. Enema or shower-shot yourself out, nobody likes a "dirty/messy" pussy. Not sure if I've said this before or not, but will say it now, you got to do it until the expelled water runs clear. No exceptions, no short cuts. But with proper nutrition & fiber it isn't a huge deal.

Second, don't take valuables with you, ever! Jewelry, cash, your wallet. Hell, I've had tricks there steal my lube and poppers. Most places require an ID, and I only carry enough cash to get in. Most places have lock boxes too, for your ID and keys which may or may not be included in the entry cost. Some places have a 6 month or year membership plan, plus your entry fee, so know and plan for this in advance.

Third, nearly all bath houses have rental options. IE: lockers, single rooms, deluxe rooms. A locker is exactly that, a gym locker that you get a key with usually on an elastic band. Single rooms are big enough for a twin size mat/mattress usually bed height with a numbered key. Deluxe are rooms big enough for a double or sometimes queen mat/mattress, with a numbered key. Prices vary, so preplan for cost. Some places have reduced rates certain nights, or for a certain age demographic, usually under 25. Most places have time restrictions too, usually 8 to 12 hour stay before repaying to stay longer.

Fourth, SEX. The whole reason you go to the baths in the first place. In this day in age, thankfully there is some pre-step stuff to consider. Example: PREP. Medication that helps prevent HIV/AIDS besides a condom. Of course this is IF you choose to bareback or not, and I'm not here to advocate either one, just inform. Most places offer free condoms, and free single use lube min-pacs if you choose that route. I find most barebackers, on either side, discuss anything in relationship to it including, but not limited to their own status. I also find, just my experience, that most tops do bareback. This is all up to you and IF you choose a strict condom use rule, you have every right to do so. Flip-side, of course, is a very strict NO condom use rule. Be aware of course if on PREP, that it doesn't prevent other sexually transmitted diseases. But, with that said in the 36 years I've gone to baths I've only had crabs once.

Fifth, attitude and willingness are every-damn-thing! I've met types of guys who have very strict standards of the types of guys they have sex with, others who have no standards at all. The pickier you are, in my opinion, that lowers your chance of sex. I'm beyond tired of slut shaming, especially slut shaming if you're the bottom boy. Our desires are just as strong as those of tops, and in some cases I think more so ie: the gangbang bottom boy. Sex can and does happen anywhere at any time, and viewing it can be unescapable, but that's also part of what you go for. I LOVE being watched as I get fucked, personally.

        A. The room. An open door, with an occupant in it means visitors wanted, the type of visitor I'll get too in a second. On the bed, naked, on his back can mean a variety of things. Body language and an inner "beyond gaydar" radar I think is required to read if the guy is a top or bottom. At it's simplest it means he's wanting a blowjob. At it's most complex it means he wants sex, roles to be determined by either of you, or him, or even you. Naked, ass up I was told years ago meant one thing, BOTTOM! He wants fucked. There are levels of body language I think. Just ass up, laying flat I want a top. Ass high in the air, legs spread wide, back arched, your pussy pre-lubed = fuck me and fuck me now; just ram it home. The rules of the room also can apply to like the steam room, sauna, video lounge, sundeck if they have one and the pool. I 'm also the type to ask the guy walking in to leave the door open as we "fuck", as I was told years ago it encourages other tops to join in, or have them come back. Of course it's up to the guy walking in to leave the door open or not. I'm also the type to undress with the door open when I first get there, which in some cases has brought a guy in.

        B. I find that a lot of conversation may or may not happen. Some guys are there just for the sex, myself included. The more the merrier, myself included. A lot of what happens sexually just seems to unfold, if you will. But, I know what I'm willing to do, or not do and I try to convey that non-verbally. Doesn't always work, but when it does magic! Not every time you go will you have sex, this is especially true during the current COVID-19 crisis, and not every place may even be open, while others may have restrictions to steam rooms, video lounges, hours or what not. Signs, seem to be up for those current restrictions. Here in Ohio, it seems that masks are required in public spaces, but not in private rooms. Again signs seem to be posted about this one too, but as the months have worn on I find it's not strictly enforced.

        C. Sex anywhere. I'm the type if you're walking the hall I find you attractive, and you're approaching I'm the type that will fall to my knees, open my mouth--- sign that I'm willing to suck you right there, right now and will. I'm the type to get fucked on site, anywhere with no qualms. I'll present in a way that hopefully invites you to fuck me--- see note A. I also find that guys who like sex in public spaces, like being watched and I'm the type to watch or even join in. If you're open minded enough you can have all kinds of fun with, all kinds of guys and, with for the most part, no strings attached.