Do have any tips to further bring out the dominant side to be better for the bottoms I have in the future?
Boy, do I. Like many gay men, I knew very early one I was "different". Being born in November of 1966, I was at the cusp of the very gay liberation movement, and being gay was something fairly new to the mass public, and so was the pride so many felt in being such. I grew up in a very rural, very small town in Northeast Ohio that in 2010 had a population of 2,801--- mostly very conservative, or Amish & Mennonite. Gay was not a thing where I grew up. There were no role models, and the ones on television in the 1970's were mostly negative. I didn't even hear the word gay until I was 14 years old, when I was being bullied for being "assumed" as one---- "the faggot, fairy, and queer". That term, faggot, for nearly all of us, within the LGBTQIA+ community carries very deep, very painful memories and many of us hate the word to this day.
Others though like myself began to embrace the term "faggot" in the 1980's with the creation of Queer Nation, a very vocal activist group pre-ACT UP demanding our rights as queers/faggots. Taking a negative word and making it positive. Which many communities across many backgrounds have done.
A. I bring all this up because I see myself as a faggot, and in my mind there is a difference in being gay and being a faggot. Faggot means, for me, not the norm socially, morally, spiritually and sexually. Especially sexually speaking for the purpose of this post. Faggot, for me means, not necessarily being built to to have a long relationship with another man, although I've been in two of them--- and certainly not a strictly monogamous long term relationship with a man. Neither of mine has been from my point and without "my husband" knowing of my infidelities. My being, as a faggot, revolves around being of sexual service to MEN plural. The more men, the happier I find myself. It's just how I work. Yes, my heart still loves, and would I leave----no, but I also understand my needs. Being a faggot, for me, means being a slut cum dump. In those moments, having a dick up my boy-pussy is when I'm FULLY alive and only then.
At ten though I knew already I was attracted to guys.
I bring this up because, I at even ten, and a virgin, KNEW I was submissive in nature. I grew up with a verbally, emotionally, & physically abusive father, and as a mama's boy, and around very emotionally strong, yet abused women. That this behavior was what was normal & to be expected. Walking on eggshells, if you will, your entire life. Wanting his approval, never getting it, or even a fraction of it. I knew at fourteen, that when, or if, I ever had sex it had to be with a man, and I WAS going to bottom for him---- it didn't happen till I was eighteen, and I was very fortunate that he was so loving and caring in the process he became my lover, which I write about on this blog. He was older than I was, he came out at 16 in 1950 in Brooklyn, NY to his Orthodox Jewish family who disowned him and threw him into the streets.
He was where I got my initial thoughts on what to expect from a dom/daddy. He was my "Daddy", and even though he died in 1988--- I still see him as my Daddy. Years later, I'd have the chance to have a second "Daddy", even though we never acknowledged that role or used that term. But he cemented my ideas, after a 10 year relationship on what truly the term means for me. Hopefully, this resonates with you.
1. The term "Daddy/Dom" for me means, of far greater worth or value than myself.
That might sound odd at first, and I'm not saying I'm less than by any means; but what I am saying is he is the things I strive to be, but know in my depths I never can be, and especially without him present in my life. There's this idea that we submissive's are seen as "pathetic" or "losers" or even as "weaker"; but that's nonsense in my opinion. There are just things we know we can't be, or do; it's part of our very genetic make-up, if you will. We might be male, but many of us, especially myself do not see ourselves as men. No matter how I old I get, I'm still just a boy. A state of growing, learning, accepting, needing approval. And for me that's ok. It works for me.
A. Some of us don't even see yourselves as boys, myself included, not quite girls either in some ways, but we see ourselves as only our pussies. Notice I said pussy here, not asshole; for we don't see ourselves as having an asshole, but having a pussy. See my post on being a pussyboy for more. Not every bottom guy though see's himself as being pussy. Being pussy is, in my thinking, more submissive in nature, more passive, we crave/long and thrive in getting fucked, we strive to please a bit more, and some of us are a bit more "feminine" in nature and thinking. For me it's not a kink or a fetish it is WHO I am. Being his gurl, is who I am and I want to be the best damn gurl for him I can be. Being his gurl, is how identify, and for me it does mean a bit feminine, but not all girlie-boys are that by any means. I've seen many a jock-type call himself Daddy's girl, and I find that very erotic.
2. We accepted, not chose, that we are submissive.
I never dated girls in high school, never kissed a girl other than my mother, grandmothers or aunts, never saw one naked till I was 26 yrs. old--- but that's a story for another time. I knew I never would marry a girl, or never had ANY desire in the least to have sex with a girl. I knew things were going to be very different for me, and leaving podunk nowhere was my key to that life. My first sexual intercourse with a man, when I was "cunted" (which I write about this term too on my blog in other posts) cemented my thoughts and that I was right in wanting to be a bottom gay guy. I desperately needed approval, of any kind, from a man---and by god my getting fucked by them in my mind said they not only approved of me, but wanted me sexually, even if just was that one fuck. It only needed to be once; their fucking me and yes, their breeding me was their stamp of approval especially the breeding part. His breeding me, in my thinking, was he thoroughly enjoyed my pussy, that it went beyond meeting his needs, and his breeding me was his thank you.
Acceptance of myself as a submissive faggot cum-dump didn't come easily, but once it did the floodgates opened, and I dove into the deep end of gay sex, and gay sex clubs, and orgies. Acceptance, brought out my inner whore, and my first lover encouraged me to be that whore, thankfully. By the time I was twenty-one I had been fucked by over 400 guys. But acceptance brought new awareness to: that I loved anonymous sex. That anonymous sex with complete strangers fulfilled me in ways, other gay sex couldn't. That random men in gay sex clubs not only found me attractive, but wanted to fuck me, and in their anonymity approved of me by fucking me. That being naked, ass up in a room, in a sex club, I could draw a man into my room gave me confidence I never have and still does. Hopefully this makes sense for you the reader. I could write about this more at length, but I see it as a different post.
A. For the most part, as submissive's we choose who we serve, how we serve, as well as why. Can we serve YOU fully with out you understanding our submissiveness and going along with it, can being dominate really work if we are not into it? Not in my opinion, because it's a give and take process. Without us giving our submissiveness and without you understanding what we are giving and why, the whole thing just kind of dies. With that said, I think most good dominates know this, as well as appreciate it and us. Most dominates also try to build us up in ways that encourage us and reinforce for us that we can be even more submissive to them---beyond going ass up. For many of us, myself included, it is way more than just being fucked. Any bottom guy can get fucked, but once again not every bottom is submissive. Being submissive for us fulfilling and rewarding. Being submissive for HIM can involve many things, and that in itself should be a separate post.
3. Being a good dominate/Daddy also means, in the long haul: a shoulder to cry on when we need it, a teacher to broaden our thinking, as well as bring us into being fully ourselves, a role model of what it means to be "a man" in a world that sees that role vastly different than we do, a father figure in our moments of turmoil, a disciplinarian when it is required, a lover in our moments of loneliness or sadness, our council when we need advice or input, and a good sex partner. Being a dominate/Daddy also means caring, loving, affirmative, passionate, compassionate, being emotive, communicative, adventurous and supportive. Being a dom/Daddy is way more than sex.
A. Having other doms/Daddy's as friends and role models I think is a great idea especially for beginners as they can be the ones you can turn to in moments of uncertainty of what, how, or even why you should react they way you do versus what could be expected. I think there are certain stereotypes of dom/Daddies that are viewed as negative, in nature, and I think those moments are the rare exceptions and not the norm--- especially in BDSM scenes.
4. A good dom/Daddy is and understands the key to good communication. He fully listens, by that I mean he's not thinking, while your talking, of what he is going to say next but is invested in every word you say. But communication is also much more than just verbal. It is being able to understand eye contact, body language and silent cues that so many people today miss because they are not full invested in anything let alone another person. How can a good dom/Daddy know that he is fucking you right? Non-communicative language here is the key. A BDSM scene is going well, non-communicative language and spoken words. You get the idea, hopefully. It's also a process that doesn't happen overnight and takes real work for both parties. I'd add in here the use of "safe words", that the action/actions have gone awry and aren't working, you say that word and the dom/Daddy knows to stop instantly.
5. A good dom/Daddy is sexually adventurous, and helps his boy/sub see that it can broaden their sex play. From piss play, bondage, flogging, fisting, exhibitionism, cuckolds and beyond. The world of gay male sex is to be explored. Is everything for every one, No it's not, but you may never know if you aren't willing to try. Granted we all have our boundaries of things we will never do, and that does need to be acknowledged. Besides, plain ole vanilla sex gets boring quickly.
Finally I think that being a good dom/Daddy or a good sub/boy requires the other party, you got to have each other, to really make it work. Like any good relationship it takes real effort, and doesn't just happen. I hope my tips helped and if you have any you'd like to see added just let me know and I'll be happy to revise the post.
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