Let's Talk about Aftercare

BDSM is a very intimate act no matter how you view or treat it. You might not consider it that way, but our psychology works a bit differently. BDSM can but doesn't necessarily involve pain or humiliation, both of which can be strong feelings that could easily linger after a session. There has even been a term coined for it: postcoital dysphoria, the feeling of sadness or anxiety after thoroughly enjoyable sex. The sudden drop of hormone levels after climax doesn’t help with the situation, either. This is why aftercare is just as vital as sex itself because of how intense the whole experience can be if we are truly lucky. No matter what kind of sex you’re having, aftercare should always be part of the affair. This is one area that vanilla people tend to overlook that BDSM practitioners have long normalized and perfected. To put it simply, aftercare is the time and attention—or lack thereof as requested—you give to your partner after a session. However, not everyone has the same expectation of aftercare, which is why talking about it openly to your partner, whether your relationship is casual or serious, is a necessary first step before diving into anything else.

What Aftercare Means For You

Establishing what constitutes proper aftercare for each partner involved before a session is highly encouraged. Never assume what they like based on what you see on TV and in the movies. Aftercare can mean differently for a lot of people. Many prefer being cuddled to sleep, some validated or praised for doing a good job in bed, while others left on their own to process everything that had just happened. 

Don’t be alarmed if your partner seeks the latter choice, especially for submissives. It’s somewhat common for those whose boundaries have been pushed to the extremes to withdraw from you for a short period of time. The same goes for dominants who have to grapple with the possible guilt or shame from acting too mean in bed. If that is the case for either person, the best you can do is to be there for them when they’re ready to talk about it.

Remember The Basics

Fortunately, aftercare is far from rocket science. Something as simple as reminding your partner to carry out best practices after a session can be considered as aftercare. Wipe the body that you just covered in cum. Have them pee after sex to avoid chances of developing a urinary tract infection. Treat any injury that may have been inflicted. Wash each other’s genitals. Ask them to drink plenty of water to flush out any bacteria that might have been introduced during sex. Take a quick shower with them before heading to bed. You can even take it up a notch by cooking a meal for them while they’re cleaning up in the bathroom. You don’t have to spend the entire day with the person. You can perform kind acts of service just because. Even if the relationship is purely sexual, it doesn’t hurt to remind the other person that they are still worthwhile after the session. You don’t have to be romantically involved with your partner to be sweet and thoughtful every once in a while.

Ask The Right Questions

Talking during aftercare is a classic for a reason, and I don’t just mean catching up. There are few things in life we all deserve to give and receive—and one of these is honest communication with a trusted partner. It’s one thing to be vulnerable in bed, but another to be vulnerable in thought. Communication can only take place when both sides are heard and listened to without defensiveness. It’s not only about filling the silence but also about taking note of feedback to make the necessary changes for the next session. It helps to debrief each of the scenes that were played out, especially the more intense ones, starting off with the following questions: 

• How are you feeling at this moment?
• What did I do wrong or right?
• How could have it been a more pleasurable experience for you?
• What did you feel when I did this/that?
• Was there a time you didn’t say the safe word but wanted to?
  

Don’t Forget Yourself

There’s a lot of talk about providing aftercare to your partner but never enough about providing aftercare for yourself. It’s a good habit to gather your own thoughts and feelings once you’re left on your own. Reflect on the encounter with careful intention. This is applicable not just for submissives but dominants as well. Before you can learn to answer the questions I suggested above, you should know how you arrived at that conclusion and should be able to articulate it to your partner. There are various activities that can help you practice this: talking to a therapist or a friend, going for a walk, journaling, exercising, and spending time in nature. These are simple but effective ways to process the rollercoaster of sensations and emotions you had just experienced in bed.

Aftercare On Your Own Terms 

Aftercare can also mean unpacking the session through blogging, which I totally encourage you to do. Blogging about your experience lets you discover more about yourself through the kind of sex you’re having. If blogging is not your cup of tea, it’s easy to search for other BDSM practitioners in the community who can offer you more suitable ways of providing aftercare. Whatever you decide, I stand by what we said: every kind of session should have aftercare built in, even for casual encounters. Do you agree with me?