How do you accept that you're a sub because, I'm struggling with that?
So this morning I was asked this question on Twitter from one of my followers, and of course I felt it required an in depth response. I want to start here by sharing my all time favorite quote. It's by Toni Morrison, and while it is aimed at former slaves within the context of the story; the message and words of this quote so ring true, I believe for those of us in the LGBTQIA+ Community and yes, even within the submissive community even more so because we, I feel at large, are sadly misunderstood:
“In this here place, we flesh; flesh that weeps, laughs; flesh that dances on bare feet in grass. Love it. Love it hard. Yonder they do not love your flesh. They despise it. They don't love your eyes; they'd just as soon pick em out. No more do they love the skin on your back. Yonder they flay it. And O my people they do not love your hands. Those they only use, tie, bind, chop off and leave empty. Love your hands! Love them. Raise them up and kiss them. Touch others with them, pat them together, stroke them on your face 'cause they don't love that either. You got to love it, you! And no, they ain't in love with your mouth. Yonder, out there, they will see it broken and break it again. What you say out of it they will not heed. What you scream from it they do not hear. What you put into it to nourish your body they will snatch away and give you leavins instead. No, they don't love your mouth. You got to love it. This is flesh I'm talking about here. Flesh that needs to be loved. Feet that need to rest and to dance; backs that need support; shoulders that need arms, strong arms I'm telling you. And O my people, out yonder, hear me, they do not love your neck unnoosed and straight. So love your neck; put a hand on it, grace it, stroke it and hold it up. and all your inside parts that they'd just as soon slop for hogs, you got to love them. The dark, dark liver--love it, love it and the beat and beating heart, love that too. More than eyes or feet. More than lungs that have yet to draw free air. More than your life- holding womb and your life-giving private parts, hear me now, love your heart. For this is the prize."
Powerful stuff right? So let's unpack why I think this so fits within a gay submissive context. As I said before the quote, we are sadly misunderstood and many times misrepresented to exactly who and why as well as why we do what we do; and that is a large area of interpretation and self expression with each's persons submissive journey being their own. However, there are similarities. We just to need to acknowledge them and talk about them amongst our submissive peers.
For out yonder, many hate us for not only being gay, but as being seen WEAK and, dear god help us, as being feminine; something of which a man, in many opinions, must never be accused of doing for that is in many opinions is and can be social suicide as well as to the "delicate" masculinity so many try to cling too. This idea of masculinity at all costs in my opinion is outdated, and is not the norm by far for many of us. Men do cry, we have emotions and fear, and doubts and we have every right to express them and doing so doesn't do anything except make us human, like everybody else. But lord help those of us who do show emotions for again we are reviled and we are beyond despised. It can be daunting to be seen this way but as my Gram used to say, "honey, that's THEIR problem not YOURS."
So the first step is acceptance, in my opinion it is to love your self, and love yourself hard. As Morrison also says in Beloved, “Love is or it ain't. Thin love ain't love at all.” So not just loving yourself hard but also thickly. By this I mean fully, all of our faults, shortcomings and what not; love every single aspect of who and what we are, and that includes being submissive. This of course is not an easy process to love oneself, and many people struggle with it in some form their entire lives. But we have to do it, for there is another saying Rupaul is known for, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you going to love anybody else?" Learning to love yourself can be a life long journey for many, but I believe it is a growing journey and changes in time as we discover ourself more as we grow older. I wish I knew at 20 what I know now at 54.
This excerpt: Love your hands! Love them. Raise them up and kiss them. Touch others with them, pat them together, stroke them on your face 'cause they don't love that either. You got to love it, you!
For me speaks very strongly of this idea that what we as submissive's do is service. From hands to our entire body and yes, even our spirit. It is an all consuming service, that not only brings us sexual pleasure but also our "spiritual", for lack of better words, fulfillment. From domestic service, to obedience, to submission, to being of sexual use to our Dominants/Daddies; but so many just get hung up on the sexual when in reality it is so much more. One word comes to mind in this area and it is boi-wife. For some means this idea of the 1950's submissive housewife we all know so well, and if we don't henny that's what Google and YouTube are for. But, within this idea of service even here we have to deeply love of what we are doing, and why, as well as love the man, or men in which we serve, and yes this even applies to the one night stand for even then we are of service. Service also means we provide and in this sense we have to take action, put ourselves out on the "dating market/cruising arena" so we can find the man, or men to which we will serve. For I think that without service, and yes this applies to even sexual, we aren't much of anything and we feel that in our very fiber when we are not. Many of us long for full time round the clock service/submission and again this is a very vast field to which I could talk about all day; but we must find the arena in which we feel we are best suited too, and there are many.
And no, they ain't in love with your mouth. Yonder, out there, they will see it broken and break it again. What you say out of it they will not heed. What you scream from it they do not hear. What you put into it to nourish your body they will snatch away and give you leavins instead.
We have to be able to put to words for ourselves first, then for others our desires, our needs, our wants, our fantasies, and that can be a very scary thing; and yes this does require trust in the person you are telling it too. But without putting to words and speaking it, how will we know, let alone others knowing as well. Fear shouldn't stop us in what we want but why, how, when and yes even by whom--- even when that could includes hundreds of men. Fear can be all consuming, but overcoming it provides great strength. This is a huge hurdle to overcome in my opinion because so many of us fear to put to words what it is we desire and not just for others, but for our very own selves. But how can we verbally speak words to others if we can't speak them for ourselves?
We could take this step further, which I will, and say that when it comes to the mouth many who are subs also see their mouths as a hole/pussy for men to use and we must be able to not only provide that service to men but we must do it to the best of our abilities. Some even adapt their language to emphasize how they view their mouths: mouthpussy and or mouthcunt. For beginners who have never once given a blow job I'd practice with a dildo to gain the skills needed for a great blow job. This also applies to any other field of gay sex involving the mouth, and there are a few but because of length I'll leave for a later date.
What one MUST take in mind also is just because we are submissive/passive doesn't mean we are a door mat! We have the right to say NO. We have the right to say what you are doing, or saying, or how you are treating me isn't right, and I'm not going to stand by and let you do this to me. We set the rules and guidelines of how we are treated by everybody we encounter, and this is far beyond the sexual realm; and quite frankly people get away with what we LET THEM. Period! That line is crossed and we speak up-- even if we have to scream it as Morrison implies, act, and if need be end the relationship with that person whoever they are. We are the the ones who are in real control and don't forget it.
The last phrase in Morrison's quote is about loving one's heart... and by this I'm going to say everything from your emotions, to feelings, to relationships, to sexual encounters to every aspect of your life. Act and or behave in a way, that we are of to service in some way to everyone we meet, for in some way we are--- that is a mind blowing idea isn't it. But while serving and being submissive and passive we must love what we are doing and just not with our hearts but with ever fiber of our being, for without that we are just acting in motion, if you will, sort of in a limbo of actions with no meaning, or purpose, and no motivation. A lot of what we do as subs is an action we do or create, but I'm going to be a bit controversial and say that is way more head and heart space. An emotional, rational and spiritual space that everything comes out of and I'm hoping that makes sense.
For many of us it is of being service, providing that service and while many focus on the joys of nonsexual service and believe me there are many; this last year for me I discovered my biggest joy came by providing sexual service more and I'm sure some would classify that as being more faggot behavior than sub-ish behavior. Faggot behavior, and this is just MY opinion is a step beyond sub behavior. A lot of the behaviors and thinking are the same, but for me, it is that we see the role primarily as a sexual one with few limits or boundaries.
Since we are talking sexual here, and my own thinking, I'm going to say that it is even a bit more "beyond", for lack of a better word, being a faggot as I see myself and my person as just mere pussy; and for me that is solely the one in my ass. Yes I love sucking cock, and yes I do a lot of it, and yes I see it as a form of pussy, but, again for me, spreading my ass cheeks and presenting my pussy to a man and then him fucking me and then breeding me--- is everything to me. It fulfills me in a way nothing else ever can or will. My thinking is consumed with how can I do this all the time. Where and how will I get the next dick to fuck me. Who for me doesn't really matter, just that they want to fuck me is enough, and for some that is indeed radical thinking. But it goes back to a post here in this blog where a follower of mine on Twitter that said his body and being where just the life support system for him being merely pussy. If you were to ask if me I were a sub the reply would be, "I do, but is more of my being pussy."
I hope this helps you....
